Emotional Masturbation

show at the Middle East DOWNSTAIRS

2009-12-17T19:59:43Z

ARmy of BRoken TOys are playing their first show at the Middle East DOWNSTAIRS tomorrow (fri) night. It's a big big deal! Come see meeeeee!!!! Details at: www.musykchyk.blogspot.com

measa: piece of sheet music

2009-12-17T03:03:59Z

i finally realized what i was dressed as yesterday... www.musykchyk.blogspot.com

measa: cigarette ad

2009-12-14T18:36:12Z

yesterday i dressed as a 19th century french cigarette ad.
www.musykchyk.blogspot.com

reposting my blog entries here is giving me a reason to keep up with all of my friend's lj posts.
good deal

day job/night job

2009-12-11T16:45:30Z

see rachel.
see rachel rock out.
see rachel conduct a highschool orchestra.
www.musykchyk.blogspot.com

measa wallet

2009-12-09T23:15:51Z

today i am dressed as my wallet
check it out at musykchyk.blogspot.com/2009/12/measa-wallet.html

musykchyk @ 2009-11-10T17:42:00

2009-11-10T22:46:37Z

it's official

i'm at www.musykchyk.blogspot.com

My senior Recital

2009-04-22T15:28:29Z

So...this is it...my senior recital is this weekend. If you can come, it would be awesome. if you cant...i understand...but it is my big final last thing...and a good opportunity to listen to me play for about an hour. the program is kind of ridiculous...not your typical conservatory recital. it should be fun. it should be epic. and you should be there

Works by: Bach Hindemith Martinu Stoyanova Piazzola

Rachel's senior recital
Sunday, April 26
8pm
Concert room (1st floor)
The Boston Conservatory
8 the fenway
boston ma

It's free and doesn't require tickets. you just walk right in.

If you are planning on coming, do your self a favor and get there using public transit. There is a redsox/yankees game that night and parking will be a bitch.

musykchyk @ 2009-04-02T09:51:00

2009-04-02T13:51:54Z

who wants to explain to me how to upload photos so i can make a post with my senior recital flyer in it.

yes...i did spell flyer with a y. it looks cooler like that.

to tired to be elegant

2008-12-16T03:10:31Z

i'll be in the dc area from monday the 22nd to sunday the 28th.

it's been over a year since ive had more than 2 days in town.
i miss you all, and boston is beginning to grate on me.
my phone number is on the book of face.
send me a text or leave a message.
chances are...i want to see you.
even if it's been a while,
or even if it hasnt.

also. my senior recital is sunday april 26, 2009. 8pm.
The Boston Conservatory, Concert room. 8 the Fenway, Boston, MA
mark your fucking calendars.
actually.
no, seriously, i really want you to come.
it's really fucking important.
dont say i didnt warn you.

My first recital ever

2008-04-08T16:39:29Z

Hey everyone

So i'm giving my first viola recital ever this saturday. As opposed to concerts, where i play with a large group of people, the recital is an hour and a half of just me, and sometimes a pianist. This is probably the most important "concert" i'll ever play. It's the first time i've had to play viola in front of people for more than 5 minutes by myself so it would be great to have some familiar faces in the crowd. I know boston is kind of far...but if you happen to be in the area, it would be great to see you there. Obviously, my couch is available for crashing on.

Here's the info:

Rachel's viola Recital!

Saturday, April 12, 2008
8pm
Concert Room (through the main doors and straight back)
The Boston Conservatory
8 the Fenway
Boston MA

i couldnt get the flier image to load but it's on my deviant art page if you want to check it out

I'M ACTUALLY COMMING!

2007-08-22T19:01:20Z

OK, so i'll be in town from monday the 27th until atleast saturday the 1st. I havent decided whether i'm going to stay through laborday.

ANyways...i guess i should actually start planning

couches, couches?
and does anyone want to hang out?

call or text me if you're interested (i'll respond faster)
see you soon guys!

musykchyk @ 2007-08-08T22:15:00

2007-08-09T02:25:22Z

sooooo...i'm still going to come down...but quite as soon as i had originally planned

my grad school classes end tomorrow and i'm thinking it would be a lot healthier to just sit on my ass for a week or two and unwind (i've spent the last 7 weeks in class for up to 12 hours a day)

most people that know me well know that i hardly ever stop moving...so this is me going out of my way to attempt to slow down a bit

i look forward to seeing people either the week of the 19th or the 26th (hopefully the couch availability will be plentiful)

i hope i still get to hang out with people before they run off to school again for the fall

in other news....

take a look at my deviantART account =)
i've added some stuff since i've hassled the lj community about taking a look, including a few pics from new orleans (some of the less "artish" pics are on facebook)

let me know what you think =)

and as long as we're talking about websites...if you ever wondered what music i listen to
check out my last.fm page

ps...yes pat...we're still on for brunch =)

Next week

2007-08-07T12:45:10Z

Hey....just curious

If i come down to MD for the week of the 12th...would anyone be willing to lend me a couch to stay on...if a couple people can host me then i wont have to bother one person for an entire week

ps...is anyone around next week that wants to hang out?

Still Frantically searching for couches to crash on

2007-05-11T15:09:13Z

...but first...lets bring everyone up to speed on what i've done all year

Academically

-Just finished my first year at Boston Conservatory (it should technically be my junior year but things are weird since i'm a transfer student) First semester i got a 3.55 and it should be higher this semester.

- Got accepted to the Boston Conservatory Grad program for Music Education. (which overlaps w/undergrad so I'm starting classes this summer). It's kind of a big deal, the program only accepts like 10 people a year. I got a ton of scholarship including a special one for being the most outstanding applicant from within the conservatory.

Musically

-I've improved an unbelievable amount this year, i've spent more time playing this year than the last several put together (those of you who know how much i was playing before will understand how much that is) at least 4 hours a day...usually closer to 6 or 8. I guess that means it's worth the money

-I still play with a few other groups. I'm actually coming down in may for a concert with Soulful Symphony (http://www.baltimoresymphony.org/soulfulsymphony/aboutpartnership.asp) on the 18-19

Socially

-brendan and i have been together for almost 2 years (since mid july '05) and have been living together since last august. It's weird...we make really great roommates and everyone seems to be amazed that we only spend $25 a week on groceries.

-I'm still a shitty friend...i've done a super crappy job of staying in touch with people in maryland, it's slightly better thanks to facebook but still...I'm looking forward to actually having time to hang out with people when i come down (in a week!)

Physically (this is the big stuff)

-so brendan and i bike a lot...i bike to school and everywhere else because it's cheaper and easier and usually faster than the bus or the T(subway)...about a month ago we decided that we were going to bike the entire boston marathon. So we took the commuter rail train out to the starting line and biked all the way back to boston. That means my chubby ass biked all 26.2 miles =) if you had told me that i would have done that a year ago i would have just laughed at you, guaranteed.

-i got my nose pierced, right nostril =)

-i got some work done on the tattoo on my back, so there is a tree around the words (vita brevis, ars longa) there are pictures on facebook

-last july i started to dreadlock my hair...so after a year of looking like various degrees of shit (even though i've loved it the whole time)...it now actually looks like i have short locs

-since last august i've lost about 30lbs. don't get too excited...i still look pretty much the same. i weigh about as much as i did when i graduated from high school (damnit why didn't somebody tell me i had gotten so fat!?!)

my body must be some sort of magical because I'm still the same dress size that i was before i lost the weight....it's a little frustrating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

so that's basically it =)

oh...summer plans
(audience participation required)

may 17-31
wandering aimlessly around maryland trying to catch up with all of the friends i haven't seen. i don't have a place to stay (i know melissa volunteered her couch for a couple of night and za did too...but i still don't think that's enough for two weeks worth of shelter...i really don't want to be a burden on anyone so i was hoping to be able to spread my stay out over lots of people which will let me spend actual time with people instead of meeting them for coffee). i think I'm staying with Brendan's brother for the first few days but after that I'm on my own.

pleas pleas pleas please please if you want to hang out for a night or two let me know if i can crash at your place =) or if you don't feel like lending your couch but still want to hang out, let me know...i still want to see you!!

june 1-8
hanging out in virginia with eric and katie and everyone else (I'm really bummed that brendan cant come, his job wont let him have that much time off). I'm still coming but was hoping for a ride down with someone (I'm still a little wary about driving long distances by myself...)

june 9-19ish
road trip to new orleans with melissa..details are crazy fuzzy but we're definitely going =)

june 24-aug 10ish

summer grad classes from 7am to 7pm five days a week

and then school starts at some point in september. i think melissa mentioned that she might come up with ben at some point which would be cool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

damn that was a long entry...

i miss everyone, I'm glad I'm coming home

musykchyk.deviantART.com

2007-02-02T01:46:07Z

after years of procrastination

i finally made myself a deviantART page

please go and let me know what you think

http://www.musykchyk.deviantART.com

the sky is purple and i cannot see the moon

2006-11-13T05:19:08Z

i think im going to cry
or throw up
im not sure which quite yet
i am quite sure that
my heart is going far too fast
for 1151PM on a sunday

the clouds are out

i think the city feel colder when you cant see the moon

and bigger
and farther
and darker

and here i am
in the middle of this darker
farther
bigger
and fucking cold city
at MA1211
not quite sure
whether to throw up
or cry

...yet

its like being horney but not really at all

2006-10-19T16:38:57Z

hey...look what i found...
::blows digital dust off of livejournal::

well...here i am
here i am in boston...
at school
doing what i wanted...right?

i miss my friends
i miss my life
i miss my friends
i miss my friends

i know...it doesnt mean much comming from the worlds shittiest friend...who never picks up her phone and never returns messages or e-mails and who never shows up an who always seems to have too much other crap going on to spend time with you or even make it seem like she cares...

well she does
and she always did
and she misses all of you
like burning
well...not really like burning

more like you miss sex
you're alright without it as long as you're preoccupied
not thinking about it
but then you remember what it was like
and now you cant stop thinking about it
before you had it you didnt know what you were missing
then you have it all the time and you take it for granted
and then its gone
and you're alone
and you miss it
lie burning...
but not really like burning
~~~~~~~~~~

yesterday i woke up at 7
8-9am-music history
9-12:30- practice
12:30-3- went to visit brendan at work
3-4- orchestral conducting
4-6-practice
6-7 viola lesson
7-8 practice
8-9 chamber music (im in a guitar trio: violin, viola, guitar)
9-11 Viola master class (its like watching other people have viola lessons)

thats 6 1/2 hours of practicing
2 more hours of playing viola
2 hours of music related class
and 2 hours of concentrating really hard on other people playing viola

but this is what i wanted...isnt it?
~~~~~~~~~~~

i want my fucking life back
and yeah...im doing alright in boston...
and i know this is where i need to be
and i know how hard i worked to get here

but i still want it back.
~~

I WILL BE BACK THE WEEKEND OF NOVEMBER 20
FIND ME
I WILL ANSWER

musykchyk @ 2006-03-27T23:45:00

2006-03-28T04:53:20Z

i got in.
i got in
i got in
i got in
i got in

im leaving howard

im moving to boston

im attending boston conservatory in the fall

everything is changing

its beginning to feel like easter
::read--april 2004--daer::

after all

purge

2005-08-03T16:25:58Z

i hate
i hate drama
i hate tension
but i guess without it there is never release
and everyone knows that if its true in music...

i hate
overstated
i dislike
underrated
i acquire that feeling
in my in my in my
every time i time i time i
deal with this shit

take it out on your own goddamn problems
stop trying to involve me
im not here to fix your life
although i could be if you asked me to be
come to think of it
i could be anything you asked me to be
if you even knew what to ask for

...maybe you should ask your brother
unnecessary
malicious
delete

you overreact to everything
god i hate
overstated
i dislike
underrated
well i guess as long as you are aware
are you aware?

i just want to be
away
i just wish there was
a way
i can feel it coming
that drama
seeping up
creeping up
the back of my throat
like 151
~~my favorite time of day~~
fuck you
you know you have nothing to complain about
you drink it because it burns
you love it because it hurts
at least to hurt is to feel

all i feel
is the sour taste left in my mouth
it say spit it out
go try something else
youve got a whole shelf of others
without the burn
without the burden
without the drama
stop playing with fire

~~

its the push-it-away syndrome
its the purge purge disease
im a fucking emotional bulimic
and im feeling kind of full

lets talk about rumors

2005-05-06T15:14:03Z

just more rumors
when every word you hear
is just shit painted from ear to ear
without a stroke of truth
they paint your mind with tainted images

consider me turpentine
and watch you lies run
drip die decay decompose
break down and apart
because my breakdown
will not be a part of your
entertainment.

why dont you leave the painting
to the big kids who were there
who create the original picture
and color it how they chose
dont you understand all you get
is an outline of the truth
and no thats not an invitation
to shade it as you see fit

act your age
because im tired of your
3rd grade word games
here are some crayons
scribble you lies with these
so everyone can clearly see the
lines of truth
that you chose to cross
to ignore
to ignite that little artist in everyones mind
who thinks coloring the situation
is all part of the story
a little outside the lines is ok
just add some fire
wax melts
facts endure
and dont think everyone
doesnt see
what youre doing

keep it simple
cut the crap
and from now on
i dont even feel like painting
ill take my memories
in black and white.
photographs.

maybe you should just
stay
out of my life
out of my mind
and out of my reality
maybe you should
stop
trying to be so artistic
with my actuality

after all
a copy
of a copy
of a copy
of a copy
of a copy
well
you get the idea.

im only bitter because thats how it tastes

2005-01-24T06:02:31Z

this summer
i thought they would be different
that maybe this year
the colors wouldnt run
when i washed them together

all we needed was time
and a little hot water
watch them bleed
but not me
i dont run
let it run
down my throat
these people are poison.

get. out. now.
you have your memories
now run with them
before reality can catch up
you see what happens
when you let things go too long
and advice is left to expire
it should have been taken
long ago with the advil
preventative.
not in response to
dont you know it
takes a while to kick in

prepare:++:you knew it was coming
all you needed was a little more time
keep putting it off
its different this time
but now its far too late
and your heart burns in the worst way
from the things youve left inside
flush this poison from your body.
get on your knees and back in your place.

i didnt spell check...sorry

2004-10-21T05:56:23Z

this was my saturday evening after i got back from the chili cook off
after i got back from tim's
after a cold long metro ride
and an even colder walk home

this is a very real look at my saturday night
if you dont feel like reading it (and you know it's serious because i dont usually address the people reading my journal)
just dont. quit now
please dont half-ass this one.

the text in front of the cut is what came out of my head
i realized how vague this was
so behind the cut is the context.

my stomach doesnt like something here. it's nagging me. it's tugging on my proverbial pant leg all the time. never letting me forget that i dont belong. that this ins't for me. the knot that refuses to be untied. it insists on sitting at a most awkquard angle reminding me not to get to comfortable. never get comfortable. time passes. i settle (my first mistake). more time passes. i am starting to get the feeling that i may have done something right. i get comforable (second and final mistake).

the knot unravles. spreading imediate discomfort to ever cell of my body. my eyes dart. my heart sinks. i am starting to panic. i feel trapped. i want out. i want out right now. i want out of anything and everrything...including this far from perfect body. my nails tear at my flesh (no that part wasnt a meophore). i am bleeding. i am umcomfotable. i am unclean. i pull my hair. there are tears running down my face. the air feels thicker. i cant breathe. i grab at my neck. now my arm stings. i am ugly and hurt. i feel more unattractive. no one loves a bleeding fat girl with nappy hair. the cycle continues. i rip harder. cry harder. bleed harder. ther is blood on the floor from where ive been flailing. the air is filled with my sweat and anxiety. where the hell is my roommate? i cant breathe i cant breathe. it hurts so bad. i want it all to go away. please god just make me go away. i dont want this. i dont belong here. i dont belong here.

i fall asleep. it must have only been a minute or two because the blood is still wet (there wasnt much). i get up. i clean the floor (not to worry, i used my red bath towel). i go to take a shower. i try to avoid people in the hall on my way to the bathroom, i really dont feel like explaining. the hot water stings. the bathroom is freezing because someone left the window open. i am in my bed. i think of how out of place i feel here and how much my head hurts from pulling my hair. i am crying again. i am always crying

i dont like myself
understatement
i hate myself
overrated
i dislike myself
temporary
is it?

whats left
this isnt right
something is not right
im the only thing left
wrong left right write left wrong wrong

im restless
and fidgiting
im getting antsy
i dont like it here
incorrect
i dont like me here
in this here and the now

the more i see the more i see
im losing myself in my own skin
and i find myself more frequently picking
tearing ripping at it trying to get out. i'm
not comfortable
am i even comfort able?

and im tired of this goddamn stagnant air.

no movement
no change
im in a corner and i cant even breathe the air i want
trapped
cycle
pattern
change
commitment
to what? nothing. a choice. something. to be.
anything.anywhere everywhere but
where there here they're here im not im lost

im ripping at my own skin
tripping trying to get away
these walls are growing tight
much like my lungs with this dead air

the under____score

2004-09-20T00:07:15Z

you need to understand what i am saying
you need to listen
because im not trying to be cryptic
or vague
at all

~~~

i have not been myself
lately i havent
been me

since friday night i havent
been_quite right i think ive
set some tempers but i
dont think you understand

how many of you there
are_you mad at
me_anings and thoughts
you cant know or understand

~~~

____i was looking in the mirror
true
while____he was sleeping on the couch
false
well____he was lying on the couch
true
and then____i got a phone call
false
well i guess____i missed a phone call
false
all i know is that____there was a voicemail
true.

and____i found something out
no____i dont want to talk about it
and no_____im not going talk about it
and____im not ok
no____i wont be later either
and no____you cant help me get through this
let me deal

i am sorry
to the/any/some____one
i hurt\will hurt\am hurting
but i need time

~~~

its all
vague
i didnt want it to be
cryptic
all im saying is just listen
because you need to understand

that for a little while
just a little while
i will just not be
one to____me____for
you

musykchyk @ 2004-08-29T00:12:00

2004-08-29T04:20:47Z

there is a feeling in my gut
im not sure how to respond
or get rid of
do i want to get rid of
im in the mid___dle of
and who do i run to with
this knot
this not so terrible
finally tying up loose
ends happily ever after
for once
upon a time

alliteration much?

2004-07-31T18:24:43Z

when youre standing in it, the drama tends to sit just above your eyes.
high enough to leave the stagnant bystander hopelessly helpless and without a fighting chance.
low enough to remind you that youre not completely in it with out one (save not for me but perhaps a better man)
^to rise above^
that chance...as chance would have it... was not completely meant for you. that chance was meant for the next person in line, the last person on the list, the one with all of your dreams and none of your drama.

oh no...an exception has been made for you
the artificially strong
the ambitions amateur who
clawz
and
cutsss
their way through to the top only to find their body too weak to complete the mind's riskier itinerary.

unable to pull hard enough to escape the contoured chaos of artificial emotions and vacant statements you are left weary and alone. high enough to see more than the immediate, the imminent, the right-the-fuck-here and now
but not to rise above.
no
not you
not quite
not now
oh here
yeah right
quite not...you know.

pull harder
reach deeper
and grab onto anything you can, because in this fucking drama___where i make the rules___all you have is your weak ass doggy paddle and youre sinking fast.

just remember
when standing
it sits just above the eyes.